Michelangelo’s Adam reports

How the anomalies occurred in ‘The Creation of Adam’ by Michelangelo Buonarotti.

Scene: A dressing room in the antimatter theatre.

Adam:   Well. My Big Day. Going to be created. I got the job at central casting. Well – casting. There was only me there so that was that. Not long to go now. I did ask for the script but they said I didn’t have any lines. ‘Just keep schtum’ they said. No manners. I suppose in anti-matter manners don’t matter.

The title worried me from the start. I mean if I am the creation then it should read ‘The Creation of God’, putting me front stage if you see what I mean. But they stuck with the original. Who am I to stick my oar in?

I did ask about a costume and they said there isn’t one. I thought perhaps just the stiff white collar with the black bow-tie and nothing else might work, but, no, they said, I could do that later. I’m not too keen on this nude thing. I mean they’ve given me such a tiny cock. I complained. They said not to worry, you won’t be needing it for some time. No empathy at all.

Then I asked about stage work. They said there isn’t any – just sit up, take the pose and don’t move. But I thought, won’t it seem a bit odd. Shouldn’t I be just lying there like a deflated balloon. Then sort of pump up when God does his thing? I mean if I haven’t been created how can I sit up and point my finger? Where does that come from? They said just keep quiet and do the job. Just go on, get on the grassy knoll, lean on your elbow and point the bloody finger. OK for them but I want it to make sense – if only for me.

Then they put me in here to wait.

VOICE OVER: 5 minutes to curtain Mr Adam.

One last thing which I’ve kept to myself. The beard? It looks very primitive I would say. Maybe that’s what they want. But I don’t. It really does have to go. I’ve never liked it. So – the Philips electric or the razor. I think the razor more of its time. It’ll be my unique gesture. Put my stamp on the performance.

(Adam spends a few minutes first clipping, then shaving off the big red beard).

OK, that does feels better. I don’t care what they say. People may ask how I got to have a shave before being created but that’s for them to puzzle on. Too late now to grow another one. And dab of scent won’t go amiss, and they won’t know. Let’s see? I think the Gucci ‘Premier Jour’ sounds about right. Psssst. Psssst.

VOICE OVER: 1 minute to curtain Mr Adam. To the wings now.

 O dear – here we go.

Right – deep breath. O no – I can’t do that yet.

Pity about the cock.

Now where’s the sodding garden gate?. . . . .


Garry Kennard. October 2021